This article is part two of 2 part series. To read part one, click here.

Did you know that in negotiation standoffs between the FBI and alleged criminal suspects, there are often as many as five negotiation agents on the line (silently), analyzing the information as it comes in from the suspects on the other end?

These silent agents would offer behind-the-scenes input and guidance to the main agent on the phone. One agent would be trying to gauge the mood of the bad guy taking the lead on the other end, and another was listening in for clues or “tells” that might give the FBI a better read on what they were facing, and so on.

Some people balk at this notion, asking if it really takes a whole team of people to simply…listen and hear someone out. Well, the fact that the FBI has come to that conclusion should be a wake-up call. It’s really not that easy to listen well.

Not only are we are easily distracted, but we engage in selective listening too, hearing only what we want to hear, our minds acting on a cognitive bias for consistency rather than truth. And that’s just the start.

Most people approach a conversation so preoccupied by the arguments that support their position that they are unable to listen attentively to the other person. In one of the most cited research papers in psychology, George A. Miller shows that we can process only about seven pieces of information in our conscious mind at any given moment. In other words, we are easily overwhelmed. And for many people, it’s the voices in their own head that are overwhelming them.

When they’re not talking, they’re thinking about their side of things, and when they are talking, they’re making their arguments. And when you factor in that the other person is most likely doing the same thing, all you have is everyone just listening to the voice in their head (and not well, because they’re doing seven or eight other things at the same time).

I’m mentioning all this to help show you that not only is listening not as easy as you think, but listening to someone isn’t the same as making them feel listened to. Here in this situation, it’s imperative that we make the person feel listened to if we’re going to help them see they're error(s). Allow me to explain why.

Psychotherapy research has shown that when individuals feel listened to, they tend to listen to themselves more carefully and to openly evaluate and clarify their own thoughts and feelings. In addition, they tend to become less defensive and oppositional and more willing to listen to other points of view. So if we want them to listen, we need to make them feel listened to first.

The first thing you’ll want to do is take the newfound understanding and empathy you have for why they aren't going to be naturally openminded, and show them you understand them and where they're coming from (details of how are in the next paragraph). The beauty of empathy is that it doesn’t demand that you agree with their ideas or feelings; you may well find them crazy at times. But by acknowledging their views, you immediately convey that you are listening.

Mirroring

Regarding how to show empathy and acknowledge their views, you can use what's called "mirroring". Mirroring is when you repeat the last three words (or the critical one to three words) of what someone has just said. Don’t be fooled by the simplicity of this technique. It's the closest thing there is to a Jedi mind trick; simple and yet uncannily effective at making someone feel listened to.

Just to show you how effective this can be, let me give you some evidence: Psychologist Richard Wiseman created a study using waiters to identify what was the more effective method of creating a connection with strangers: mirroring or positive reinforcement. One group of waiters, using positive reinforcement, lavished praise and encouragement on patrons using words such as “great,” “no problem,” and “sure” in response to each order. The other group of waiters mirrored their customers simply by repeating their orders back to them. The results were stunning: the average tip of the waiters who mirrored was 70 percent more than of those who used positive reinforcement.

By repeating back what the person you're talking to says, you’ll trigger their mirroring instinct making them feel understood. Not only that, but they'll inevitably elaborate on what was just said and sustain the process of connecting.

Now, if your mirror them and for some strange reason they don't elaborate on what they said, no problem. All you need to do then is ask what they mean or why they think that way. You need to get them to explain more of what they mean.

After you mirror them or get them to expand on their views, you can then show them you understand what they mean by paraphrasing what they said while combining this with a listening technique known as labeling. What is labeling?

Labeling

Psychology professor Matthew Lieberman of the University of California, Los Angeles, found that when people are shown photos of faces expressing strong emotion, the brain shows greater activity in the amygdala. Indeed, the amygdala is the part of the brain that generates fear.

Now, when people are asked to label the emotion, the activity moves to the areas that govern rational thinking. In other words, labeling an emotion—applying rational words to a fear—disrupts its raw intensity. Labeling is a simple, versatile skill that lets you reinforce a good aspect of the conversation, or diffuse a negative one.

Interrupting the amygdala’s reaction to real or imaginary threats helps clear the road of obstacles and generate feelings of safety, well-being, and trust. Labeling fears and negative emotions is so powerful because it bathes those fears and emotions in sunlight, bleaching them of their power and showing our counterpart that we understand.

So, once you’ve spotted an emotion you want to highlight, you then label it aloud. Labels can be phrased as statements or questions. The only difference is whether you end the sentence with a downward or upward inflection. But no matter how they end, labels almost always begin with roughly the same words: It seems like… It sounds like… It looks like…

Notice we said “It sounds like…” and not “I’m hearing that…” That’s because the word “I” gets people’s guard up. When you say “I,” it says you’re more interested in yourself than the other person, and it makes you take personal responsibility for the words that follow—and the offense they might cause.

But when you phrase a label as a neutral statement of understanding, it encourages the other person to be responsive. They’ll usually give a longer answer than just “yes” or “no.” And if they disagree with the label, that’s okay. You can always step back and say, “I didn’t say that was what it was. I just said it seems like that.”

The last rule of labeling is silence. Once you’ve thrown out a label, be quiet and listen. We all have a tendency to expand on what we’ve said, but in this case you’re going to want to resist that tendency and instead let them respond to you. A label’s power is that it invites the other person to reveal himself.

Tone Of Voice

Finally, your most powerful tool in any verbal communication is your voice. This is especially important here because you need to help them keep their own emotions in check, and that’s where your tone of voice comes into play.

You can actually use your voice to intentionally reach into someone’s brain and flip an emotional switch. Distrusting to trusting. Nervous to calm. In an instant, the switch will flip just like that with the right delivery. Most of the time, you should be using a positive/playful voice. It’s the voice of an easygoing, good-natured person. Your attitude is light and encouraging. The key here is to relax and smile while you’re talking. A smile, even while talking on the phone, has an impact tonally that the other person will pick up on. You can also use the voice of a late-night FM DJ to help calm and soothe when appropriate.

Doing all these things in a calm, easy-natured tone of voice will allow you to make the person you're talking to feel listened to and understood. It’ll also allow you to ascertain some of their deeper/possibly hidden reasons to why they hold whatever erroneous view they're holding.